Penciled in the stars
by the Great Gazoo
( Dave Freedman and Alan Gilbey )
Greeting seekers of the slight and superficial.
I am the Great Gazoo and I know all.
Yes ALL! Even that.
Come stare into my all seeing Steinbeck and we’ll see
what the rushes hold in store for you this month.
You know that little mushroom in Fantasia; the one forever a beat behind the others, constantly struggling to keep up? To that tiny mushroom life is one constant frustration, but to the cinema audience it's funny. This month you are that mushroom.
Taurus the bull
This will be a month of questions. Why do cartoon animals wear jackets but never any trousers? Which war were Dastardly and Muttley ( in their flying machines ) fighting? How come no one ever mentions Chuck Jones’s horrible Tom And Jerry Cartoons? Only I have the answers, but I’m not telling.
Bugs the bunny
Love is in the air but not the kind of wholesome, family-oriented love that exists between Beauty and The Beast. Oh no! I'm talking about the sort of love that caused Bugs to wear a dress and flirt with Elmer. This month you too will crave the affections of someone who wants to hurt you and you'll dress up as Carmen Miranda to get it.
Betty the boop.
Have you seen Bimbo’s initiation? It’s a Max Fleischer cartoon in which the dogged hero endures endless surreal tortures at the hands of faceless interrogators, demanding he join them in their clan of conformity. As it was for Bimbo, so shall it be for you. Beware of Scientologists chanting “Wanna be a member? Wanna be a member?”
Pocohontas the mistake.
You’re about to meet a dark mysterious woman with long flowing hair that just can’t stop flowing. Either it has a life of it’s own, or this lady lives in a very windy area. Perhaps there’s a hurricane brewing? Or maybe there’s an electric fan just out of shot? Somebody left a window open? Who knows. Anyhow, you’d think she’d dress a little warmer.
Virgo the one that Standards And Practices won’t let you say.
You’re about to enter a wonderful phase of your life when you will become immensely popular, but beware! Fame is fleeting. Remember that Saturday morning show Rubic The Magic Cube?
Libra the scales
Congratulations! You’re about to embark on a fantastic new career as an animation producer. Your mail-box will soon be stuffed full of proposals for new shows - every second one starring a dog or an alien or both. My Dog The Alien or Alien Dogs or Doganauts or Paws Encounters or Captain K9 And The Galaxy Rovers or last, but not least, Aliens Turned Me Into A Dog. Don’t be discouraged. Some of them will be good and most will be better than the cat proposals.
Scorpio the scorpion
I saw an episode of Pokemon recently that reminded me of you. The little critter looked all helpless and shy, and then -WHAM!- he went electric and fried the bad guy. You ‘scorps’ (as I like to call you behind your backs) are a deceptive breed. I don't trust you or like you. Go away.
Sagittarius the centaur
You’re stuck in a rut. You feel You’re like Fred Flintsone, always struggling to make a fast buck and forever in fear of your boss, Mr Slate. Well, what you need is a change. A makeover! Redecorate! Modernise! There. Now you’re George Jetson. Whoops. Nothing’s changed.
Shaggy the beatnik
Lately you’ve been accepting things at face value and this must stop. For instance, you believe that Paddington Bear is actually a bear! Why? Only because the show’s called Paddington The Bear. In reality he’s a horribly deformed child with lousy dress sense whose parents abandoned him at the station because they could no longer ‘bear’ the pain of raising him. This show is more tragic than you could possibly imagine.
Howard the duck
Remember when Warner Brothers announced it was merging with Hannah Barbera? In your wildest dreams you couldn't imagine those two world's colliding. Whilst both companies had their merits, you worried that someone as street smart as Bugs Bunny wouldn’t get along with say, Scooby Doo. But look at them now. I've seen promotional material that has them standing paw in paw, the best of friends. The lesson is, don't be afraid to embrace things that are different. Especially if they’re part of a hostile takeover bid.